Oh my, it could have been my eyes and my computer chair.

--
Get off my internet, ye freeloader!

lol this one makes me think of my own experiences constantly walking into my...hmmm...don't really know what he is to me...but barging into the room of someone important to me at every opportunity where i seldom find him not in front of his computer. i love what you've written - i mean that and i hope you don't move it to scraps as that may discourage others from reading what is undoubtedly a beautiful piece.

Don't move it. You'd be surprised how something that seems typical and unimpressive to you will mean the world to others. Same thing happens when I play guitar. I play everyday so when I play in front of people the things I sit around the couch doing I sit and think "I do this everyday, and I hate it" and then it takes but one compliment to remind me that no matter how many times I hear it and get sick of it, there's always that person whose ears it hasn't hit yet.

That's awfully philosophical of me. I didn't do drugs this morning, I swear.

--
Next time I wish upon a falling star I'm going to wish anime caused cancer.

Whoops almost forgot. The reason I enjoy this.. with all your other writings is that you use lines like

And if I’m crying you’ll only know
By the wet black mascara on your pillowcase

It's just nice to read something so familiar and common to everyday life that leads you into picturing the whole situation to the point you forgot you were reading when you're done and it becomes your very own memory.

Maybe I did do drugs this morning.

--
Next time I wish upon a falling star I'm going to wish anime caused cancer.

You know what Sanpako, I could say a million things about how great this poem is, but to keep from squealing like a fanboy or anything like that, I'll just say that this poem is amazing..It's left me giddy, and with a sense of how great life and the right person can be for just about anyone..I won't mind if you've moved it to scraps, I will know that it is here, and it will remain in my favourites gallery..That's a promise..*sighs happily* That poem just made my day.

Now this is going to sound like I'm not a fan of the poem or, indeed, any of your stuff, but that's because I'm not that good at skirting formalities when I do crits, so rest assured that the things you write are impressive, beautiful, and emotional.

Now the crit. I liked this a lot, and despite a probably deliberately disconcerting opening sequence, it soon developed your characteristic flow and melancholic tenderness, and the short, prosaic descriptions at the end of the first verse sparked a rich texture to this, and the colours and sensual language you employed gave it a great synaesthesia that really tied this together successfully like a well-woven fabric - Structure, sense, and sound. This is the first time I really think you've had all of these great elements working together at once in your poetry, and congratulations for doing it so subtly and expertly. You've very nearly hit the nail straight on the head, and there are a few things that don't quite mesh for me - the colours of the screensaver glowing against the skin is a beautiful, tender, and thoughtful image; perhaps the most predominant of the poem, but it's slighgtly too clumsy and ruined that slice of this for me, although I sympathise that it is hard to find a romantic way to say 'screensaver.' Also, although the vagueness is beautiful, it's slightly too vague to see what, exactly, actually IS beautiful.

But this earns a favourite for none of these reasons - this earns a favourite because of one word, which is the most simple and touching poetic device I've seen yet. I think you know which word I mean.

--
You could say thanks, or spread news of my undeniable greatness

Ceci n'est pas une autographe...

Sanpako, I have to agree with halonOne, this is so beautifully described and flows so well that by the end the reader forgets they were ever reading and is just absorbing the experience. Wow.

'advanced critique' sheesh, what of this to critique? I honestly don't know where in this you wanted something a little jarring or it just turned out that way, but here goes. In the first stanza the transition from the fourth line to the fifth line is jarrring but why is difficult to pinpoint. It's not conflicting tenses, I think it might be the change from a dynamic image to a static one or just the way the rhythym changes. If it's what you wanted then it works great, if not play around with the first two words of the fifth line. I love the smell imagery of the last of that stanza, it brings the whole setting into focus.

The alliteration in the second stanzas first two lines is great if a bit heavy on the 's'es and 'r's. At the same time 'depresses' elongates the rhythm there. I've also been on one of those beds where the whole thing slants sideways if someone sits on the edge, but maybe a shorter word that gets the same image would work better. In line five the double assonance/alliteration in 'black mascara' works perfectly. And the line break between line six and seven seems arbitrary, recommend you play with that for best effect.

okay, this stanza by stanza is wearing on me... 'Spirograph' and 'Elipticals' are by themselves too abstract for the piece but with the picture you've chosen fit visually. 'Overlapping bodies' is visual imagery in the middle of touch imagery but any alternative I can think of is claustrophobia inducing, but something to think on. As for 'screensaver' if you want to make Alias101 happy by softening the sounds there you could consider 'forgotten monitor' or a multitude of ways of expressing that image but I don't find that bit too jarring to leave as is.

And for the simple and beautiful way you expressed a true friendship I think I say it for all when I say 'Thanks.'

--
True ease in writing comes from art, not chance,
As those move easiest who have learned to dance.
'Tis not enough no harshness gives offence,
The sound must seem an echo to the sense. ~Alexander Pope

your writing leaves this sweet little smile in my heart. you truly are gifted.

Im not very good at Critiquing

I read the other people's on this page and thought "wow, they're good."

then I just sat here for like five minutes, wondering if I should write anything cause Im so bad at it, heh

but im going to try anc critique this, so here goes:

"Your eyes and computer chair
Follow my uninvited entrance
Into your room
Onto your bed.
I’m laying face first on your pillow
Day old shampoo
Lingering cologne
Fabric softener and total darkness."

I like this in the begining. Your setting the stage for something. The word "uninvited" hints to it. The smells and textures bring me into the the environment, kinda lock everything down. So I am in the room with you now, and I have to read on to see what happens.


"Your chair creaks and the mattress depresses
As you sit by my side.
You know I won’t talk
And if I’m crying you’ll only know
By the wet black mascara on your pillowcase
The tears sunken comfortably into where I’ve
Done this before"

I like the first two lines of this, because you are describing it from your perspective, so instead of describing the other persons movements, your describing the tell-tale sounds you heard, but we all know what it means. It reminds me of how I get used to certain sounds, they become like signitures. Also we learn more about the history the two of you share, and the over all story broadens a bit. I like how warm, soft everything is flowing. great word choices.


"Spirograph between my shoulder blades
Flesh, cotton and
Caring fingertips.
Your arms around me
Overlapping bodies on one side
I can feel you breathe condolences in my ear."

I love this part. Mostly because it's something I enjoy, and never really payed that much attention too: being touched lovingly by another. You describe it perfectly here, through textures and movement. And once again, at the end, you broaden the over all story, by mentioning the condolences - so even with the motion of the piece, we are still moving forward in a linear fashion.


"The lamp clicks off
Ellipticals on my back again
Rhythmic and continuous.
I wish everything was so straightforward."

If it weren't for the last line, I wold have concidered this part almost unnecessary, but you concrete it at the end with a very important and relevent thought, which almost seems to change the rythmic flow of expectations. Although we as reader can tell you've done this before - we are greeted with a new idea, and perhaps you are too, within this story - wishing everything was this straightforward - it tells me that touch is much more reliable than speach, and your right about that


"I turn towards you, your hair’s in your eyes,
Your face changing color with the screensaver
Blue, Green, Yellow, red.
Left unnoticed and you just lay with me."

This is the emotional turning point the reader is waiting for. We know you are in pain. We want you to feel better, adn we knew the other person is attempting to make you feel better, at this point we see that it is working, and that you are responding well to his actions. i like the screansaver refference, it keeps the reader grounded in the situation, without it, we would be floating off in thought and forget what and where of the situation.


"I grin at you,
And you poke me sleepily on the nose.
I fall asleep under one of your arms
And the last thing in my drifting vision is your face,
Your smile.

Thanks."

The reader is hit with an explosion of warmth and good feelings as we watch the situation turn for the better completely. We feel cozy and wonderfull, we feel like nothing at all can be that bad - its a good feeling - and the word of gratitude at the end is the icing on the cake, it wraps it all up, and tells us why you told us this story to begin with

great work on this

I enjoyed it very much

I am faving this, so that others can feel good too

-jay

--
"An artist is a creature driven by demons. He doesn't know why they choose him and he's usually too busy to wonder why." -William Faulkner