Just What Friends Do

Im not very good at Critiquing

I read the other people's on this page and thought "wow, they're good."

then I just sat here for like five minutes, wondering if I should write anything cause Im so bad at it, heh

but im going to try anc critique this, so here goes:

"Your eyes and computer chair
Follow my uninvited entrance
Into your room
Onto your bed.
I’m laying face first on your pillow
Day old shampoo
Lingering cologne
Fabric softener and total darkness."

I like this in the begining. Your setting the stage for something. The word "uninvited" hints to it. The smells and textures bring me into the the environment, kinda lock everything down. So I am in the room with you now, and I have to read on to see what happens.


"Your chair creaks and the mattress depresses
As you sit by my side.
You know I won’t talk
And if I’m crying you’ll only know
By the wet black mascara on your pillowcase
The tears sunken comfortably into where I’ve
Done this before"

I like the first two lines of this, because you are describing it from your perspective, so instead of describing the other persons movements, your describing the tell-tale sounds you heard, but we all know what it means. It reminds me of how I get used to certain sounds, they become like signitures. Also we learn more about the history the two of you share, and the over all story broadens a bit. I like how warm, soft everything is flowing. great word choices.


"Spirograph between my shoulder blades
Flesh, cotton and
Caring fingertips.
Your arms around me
Overlapping bodies on one side
I can feel you breathe condolences in my ear."

I love this part. Mostly because it's something I enjoy, and never really payed that much attention too: being touched lovingly by another. You describe it perfectly here, through textures and movement. And once again, at the end, you broaden the over all story, by mentioning the condolences - so even with the motion of the piece, we are still moving forward in a linear fashion.


"The lamp clicks off
Ellipticals on my back again
Rhythmic and continuous.
I wish everything was so straightforward."

If it weren't for the last line, I wold have concidered this part almost unnecessary, but you concrete it at the end with a very important and relevent thought, which almost seems to change the rythmic flow of expectations. Although we as reader can tell you've done this before - we are greeted with a new idea, and perhaps you are too, within this story - wishing everything was this straightforward - it tells me that touch is much more reliable than speach, and your right about that


"I turn towards you, your hair’s in your eyes,
Your face changing color with the screensaver
Blue, Green, Yellow, red.
Left unnoticed and you just lay with me."

This is the emotional turning point the reader is waiting for. We know you are in pain. We want you to feel better, adn we knew the other person is attempting to make you feel better, at this point we see that it is working, and that you are responding well to his actions. i like the screansaver refference, it keeps the reader grounded in the situation, without it, we would be floating off in thought and forget what and where of the situation.


"I grin at you,
And you poke me sleepily on the nose.
I fall asleep under one of your arms
And the last thing in my drifting vision is your face,
Your smile.

Thanks."

The reader is hit with an explosion of warmth and good feelings as we watch the situation turn for the better completely. We feel cozy and wonderfull, we feel like nothing at all can be that bad - its a good feeling - and the word of gratitude at the end is the icing on the cake, it wraps it all up, and tells us why you told us this story to begin with

great work on this

I enjoyed it very much

I am faving this, so that others can feel good too

-jay